im so fucking unsatisfied with my life right now and im tired of this shit. im tired of feeling like im not getting anywhere and im tired of being in situations that im not supposed to be in. the last thing i want is to bring this negativity into next year and somehow shit is trying to creep its way in. fuck.
I fucking hate this house. My stepdad is a manipulating, conniving asshole who is totally ignorant and impatient with everyone in this house. He’s done nothing but make my mom turn the other cheek to her kids. In a time where my mom should come to my defense and protect me, she aids him in putting more of a burden on me. He sits on his fucking ass playing playstation and watching tv all fucking day and then bitches about how he “does everything” and “always” cleans his shit and “always” listens. Then I come home and while hes doing nothing, he watches me do everything and then says “i hope your doing laundry cuz i need clothes tomorrow”, like are you fucking kidding me? More and more im realizing how toxic of a place this is for me and my sister. Ive been through so much as a little kid and been hit so hard and now, Im the one whos suffering again. Because of all tht shit ive been through, i feel even more weak now because im the one who has an anxiety problem, who has emotional trauma to sort out, and who has to try to live the life of a college student in a 1 bedroom apartment with 4 other people who dont understand what its like to have anxiety or to commute to school 2 fucking hours going and coming back from brooklyn every fucking day. Im tired of trying my hardest to reach personal goals and then getting shot down from everyone in this house. Ive fought so hard with my anxiety to get better without medication and ive had to put all this bullshit in the house aside in order to get there. I know that i cant fix anything in this house, its not going to change, its not going to get better and no one is going to understand me or come to my defense. I stopped fighting. Im done. All they care about is whether i did the fucking laundry. Not about how far ive come as a person, or as a kid whose been thru shit that no person should ever have to go through. Ive reached my breaking point, and i just cant do this anymore. On top of all of this shit, my stepdad brought home a fucking dog that was supposed to be everyones responsibility and instead its only mine, even though i go to school 5 days a week and work and have to do fucking laundry and babysitting and whatever bullshit needs to get done. this is by far the worst ive ever felt here, and i just want out. i just want out so fucking bad because im doing this alone and it fucking hurts that my mom is gone. shes here but shes cold and brainwashed and so drained from my stepdads bullshit that she doesnt even know how to be the loving mom that used to be my best friend. I just wish she knew how much i want her back and how much we need her. Ive broken down and theres so many things that they pile on me all the time that im just gunna end up leaving. im really thinking of leaving my house because i just cant take it anymore. As soon as i get a stable weekly job im gunna rent a room and find some roommates or something because this is breaking me and eating me up and i need to live my life and fight my own battles. I cant get my school shit straight with all of this happening. I just cant. i want to work and go to school and get a car but i cant do that with this fucking dog because no one else helps and i have to pay for her shots and hr training and her bullshit for what? i just hate this situation. I feel like school is the only part of my life that i can control and the fact that i can rebel and choose when i will and wont do my work makes me fuck up because when shit is bad in the house i skip class and dont do my work. it just sucks because its so unhealthy for me here. and it sucks even more that my sister yaya is suffering too. I should be thinking about being a teenager and planning my birthday but instead im planning an escape route. If it wasnt for Adam being a part of my life, I might have committed suicide by now.
Aha I miss you too! How’s everything?
i fucking miss my latin class from high school. we had our own saturnalia festival and it was fucking amazing.